Orientation at a Nudist Colony
A podium is placed center stage. Bob, a very low key man in his thirties, is standing, apparently naked, behind the podium.
Good afternoon and welcome to the newcomers Orientation here at Sunnyvale Recreation and Clothing Optional Club. I'm your Recreational Chairman, Bob Chambers. First of all, it's nice to see so many of you getting into the spirit of things. Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the Naugahyde chairs...They are a little cold at first, and it may seem like you left part of your skin when you get up, but, you didn't. We are experimenting with the Naugahyde chairs, since the removal of the webbed fabric chairs we had before. People were complaining about the criss-cross marks left on their bodies and after waking up from their afternoon naps, they would find that some prankster had been playing tic-tac-toe on the backs of their thighs. So, we've opted for the Naughahyde, which, since so many of you are without clothing, may notice certain noises when you shift in your chairs. Please don't feel embarrassed. It might even come as a saving grace for those of us who had the broccoli quiche at lunch.
(adjusting his glasses)
We here at Sunnyvale believe that our bodies came into this life free of clothing, our minds free of guilt and out souls free in spirit. However, registration is still four hundred dollars.
For those of you who have never been to a clothing optional resort before, our bashful newcomers will notice that there are evergreens strategically located around the grounds. Different heights, depending on how bashful you really are. But, keep in mind our motto, "You've Got to Come out Sometime."
We have a wide variety of facilities, here at Sunnyvale. Including, an Olympic sized swimming pool, which is always kept at a comfortable eighty-two degrees. I would like to apologize for the prankster who thought it might be funny to lower it to forty-eight. The only ones who did complain were the men, but after getting out of the pool, let's just say we could divide the men from the boys.
We also have a world class Jacuzzi going at all times. Once again, a saving grace for the broccoli quiche crowd. We also have a Championship eighteen hole golf course, here at Sunnyvale. In fact, Saturday, we invite you to sign up for our "I Got A Hole In One Open." This is a tournament where "in the rough"has a completely different meaning.
Incidentally, around here, the correct response to hitting a ball that looks like it may be heading towards a group of unsuspecting people is "fore" not "heads up." One of the events we had to cancel was the "Men's And Women's Mixed Relay Races." I know there were some rumors that we canceled the games because we lost four batons during the last race. However, truth be known, we want to avoid any more injuries, like the one suffered by Mr. Pinsky, when there was some confusion during the handoff to Mrs. Waller and she dragged him halfway around the track, before realizing her mistake.(clearing his throat)
For you body art lovers, we have a tattoo artist on board. You ladies will be glad to know that Waldo is offering a special this week of an arrow on your chest, pointing sideways, and the phrase, "I'm with stupid" tattooed underneath.
Although this is a clothing optional resort, there is one time that we insist you wear clothing and that is at meal time. This rule went into effect last year after Mrs. Carlo Silvestri was seriously injured while reaching across our hot buffet table and burned herself on a pan of steamed kielbasa.
Our annual dance will be held in the main ballroom this Saturday night. This year's theme will be, "Getting To Know You...Even Better...If That's At All Possible."
(removing his glasses)
Now, if there are any questions, I'll try to answer them. Just raise your hand. Uh, Mr. Gillespie, I said your hand. Yes, Mr. Gillespie...where, where are you supposed to keep your money?...Good question, Mr. Gillespie. Uh, this is where exact change comes into play. Rule of thumb here is never bring more than you're willing to spend. Anyone else?
Yes, this very attractive and shapely woman right here. Not you, Mr. Gillespie. Yes, you Miss, uh, Thomas...Miss Thomas...Is it unusual for men to stare at you for an abnormal amount of time?
(staring and snapping out of it)
Oh, sorry. Well, let me say this, Miss Thomas, the truth of the matter is, we are all naked here and medical research has proven that the average man thinks about sex, at least, ten times an hour. And, I must admit, Miss Thomas, that I, myself, just used up about two years worth. But, you'll get used to it. Now, if there are no further questions, enjoy your stay at Sunnyvale and remember, "It's not polite to point, but it's even less polite to point and laugh." Thank you.
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