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Things You Don't Say to a Cop Down South

Fade in:

Ext. Highway-Day

A minivan with New Jersey license plates is pulled over by a Florida police officer. He is dressed in full southern state police uniform, complete with mirrored sunglasses. He walks calmly and deliberately to the driver's side window, where we see Steve, in his thirties, awaiting the officer's arrival.

The officer appears at the window with his citation book in hand.

Officer

Good morning.

Steve

Yeah, it's a good morning for you. You're not a northerner being pulled over by some redneck cop.

Officer

I see y'all are from out of state.

Steve

Well, that's how Interstate gun trafficking works.

Officer

Do y'all know why I pulled you over?

SteveDon't tell me. Our eyes met back there and you thought we may have had a moment.

Officer

Do you know what the speed limit is on the down side of that bridge that you just came over?

Steve

Let me guess. A million miles an hour.

Officer

It's thirty-five miles per hour.

Steve

Fifty-five miles per hour going up the bridge and thirty-five coming down it. Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd think that's some kind of speed trap, there, Jethro.

OfficerDidn't you see that thirty-five mile per hour speed limit sign?

Steve

Actually, Officer, no I didn't. I was too busy reaching in the cooler for another beer. Would you like one?

Officer

Well, I don't know what they do in New Jersey, but do you know what we do down here in the south?

Steve

Aren't you late for a Klan meeting?

Officer

We obey the speed limit.

Steve

Well, that would have been my ninetieth guess.

Officer

I clocked you at sixty-three miles per hour.

Steve

Hey, I'm pretty impressed, considering you don't look like you can count higher than five or six.

Officer

Driver's license.

Steve hands over his driver's license.

Officer

Steven Harris. Is that your name?

Steve

Actually, no. My real name is Rodney King. Why don't you invite eighty or ninety of your cousins over here and you can play pavement piņata with me?

OfficerCan you tell me why the state of New Jersey hasn't issued you a picture I.D. driver's license?

Steve

Well, that's because I'm from another planet and our image doesn't show up in a photograph.

Officer

This state issues photo IDs to all its drivers.

Steve

That must make it tough, considering you start driving tractors at, what, the age of four down here?

Officer

It says here that you are six feet.

Steve

Actually, I have six feet. I'm from another planet, remember?

Officer

Is there any reason you're in such a hurry this morning? Some sort of emergency?

Steve

Well, Barney, I was rushing over to your house so that I could sleep with your wife, who, probably, is also your sister. Right?

Officer

Well, sixty-three in a thirty-five mile per hour zone puts you twenty-eight miles over the speed limit.

Steve

Once again, I'm impressed. You actually did that without taking off your shoes.

Officer

Do you know what the fine is for being twenty-eight miles over the speed limit?

Steve

Down here? Probably, three chickens and a jar of preserves.

Officer

That's one hundred fifty dollars, plus ten dollars court costs.

Steve

So, that means eighty for you and eighty for the judge, who is probably your pappy.

Officer

Now, you can come back to court next week...

Steve

Oh yeah, like I want to spend another minute in this jerk-water-one-horse-hick-town.

Officer

...or you can mail the one hundred sixty dollars to the address on the ticket.

Steve

And that would be, what, your home address?

Officer

If you fail to pay the fine within thirty days, do you know what happens then?

Steve

You tear the ticket up and we have a good laugh over it?

Officer

We will notify the state of New Jersey and your license will be suspended.

Steve

In mid air? Do you know any other tricks? I mean, besides your wife?

Officer

Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve

Yeah, can you tell me where I can unload about two hundred kilos of cocaine?

Officer

Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve

Just this. About how many species of barnyard animals have you been familiar with?

Officer

Well, then, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

The officer hands Steve the ticket.

Steve

Thank you, Officer Billy Bob. By the way, why don't you go drop dead? And, don't step in any cowpies.

The officer walks back to his patrol car. The announcer enters.

Announcer

Wouldn't it be great if we could say exactly what was on our minds at a time like this, without fear of recrimination?

Cut to:

Ext. Swamp-Day

A crew of police and volunteers are dragging the swamp.

Announcer(V.O.)

Of course, if you did answer that way, there's a good chance they may end up dragging the swamp for you. So, remember, when you're going down south, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

Fade out.

The End

Keywords:

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